Is There a Secret?
What is
the secret to happiness? Is there such a
thing as a secret formula, a set of principles, or a defined ideology that if
followed can truly make us happy, all of the time? While I have no authority to provide an
answer to that question, I have been actively seeking the path to happiness for
as long as I can remember. I travel
frequently for work, and can always spot people who, on the surface, generally
look happy and content. Then there is
the antithesis; the people who feel that everyone else on earth woke up and
plotted to disrupt their day. It has always
bewildered me as to why there is such a dichotomy between these two types of
people. Four years ago, I chose that I
wanted to live my life happy and content; regardless of circumstance, perceived
obstacle, or challenge. That decision
led me to begin a four year journey of reading over one hundred books that focused
on the brain, perception, happiness, living in the moment, exceptional leaders,
success, expectations, among a variety of other topics. While this journey is
constantly evolving, I will never forget an epiphany that I had in 2010 after
reading a succession of three books. I
went through a very volatile period in my life where I lost my father, among
other major life changing events, and started to question what does this all
mean? Then I was introduced to three books
that sparked a new perspective that set my life on a path of gratitude,
happiness, and meaning. In this order I
read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, Gay
Hendricks’s The Big Leap, and Andy
Andrew’s The Noticer. The intent of this post is not to
summarize these books, but rather paraphrase my interpretation of the
collective writings and the impact they have had on my life. Below is a brief synopsis of the key concepts
that connected with me to help me achieve a happy life and a renewed
perspective.
Living in the Moment
“You are
where you need to be because you are there right now”. Sounds like a metaphysical statement of the
obvious, right? However, really think
about it. What if you enacted this
statement into your everyday life? Am I
meant to be in traffic for an hour after work, or stuck on a malfunctioning
plane for two hours in Austin, Texas.
The answer is yes. You are
exactly where you need to be. Every
moment is a chance to change the course of history – sounds big, but true. We have become a culture of instant
gratification, so we only evaluate our sphere of influence over a situation;
however, the ripple effect of our actions can alter the course of history. I made a conscious decision four years ago
that every opportunity is one for me to inspire and make a positive impact
versus contributing to the negativity.
If I am on a delayed flight, I look it as an opportunity to meet someone
new. If I am stuck in traffic, I look it
as an opportunity to look up at planes and wonder what adventure the 127 people
flying overhead are about to embark on.
Time is an illusion; it is an allusive perception that we try and
wrangle to gain control. The true fact
is that by the time you tell someone what time it is, the time has changed; so
all you ever really have is that moment.
The future is just a series of current moments strung together until
there are no more moments available, so how do you want to evolve your future? Through a series of passive moments trying to
quickly reach your perceived destination, or through a journey of active
moments that make your whole life a continual, amazing expedition. The choice really is yours and yours
alone. People, circumstances,
negativity; they don’t affect your moment if you do not let them. The
Power of Now mentions that our brain is the most complex problem solving
machine, so when problems don’t exist, they are manifested in order for the
brain to justify its existence. We
actually have to choose to overcome our hard-wiring and be present in the
moment; how will you choose?
Releasing Expectations
I once
read that depression lives in the past and anxiety lives in the future, so it
made me think; what lives in the now? We
set expectations all of the time, in relationships, at work, with family,
before watching a movie. We develop a
certain expectation of how an event will turn out, and then judge the outcome
based on our initial perception. Due to
the fact that I have never met anyone who can accurately predict the future, it
seems we can only set expectations based
on previous experience, or other people’s experience; essentially using past
outcomes to predict future occurrences.
So if we are using the past to look towards the future, are we limiting
our potential? Tony Robbin’s is famous
for saying, “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always have
gotten”. So if that’s true, is meeting
our own expectation only a reflection of the best the past had to offer? Personally, I have found that expectations
limit your potential, affect happiness, and don’t allow the freedom of the
moment to take place. I am in business
development, and early in my career I set expectations of how a meeting would
go before I had ever met the client.
After the meeting I would deem the outcome a failure or success based on
my pre-defined expectation of achievement.
It was not long before I realized the limitations tied to those
expectations. Did I miss a larger
opportunity because I was so focused on getting to my expected outcome? Were there subtleties that were missed in
conversation because my mind was tainted with expectation? Even more, am I doing this in my
relationship, with family, friends, and co-workers? Learning to release expectations and be
present in the moment is one of the hardest conquests for a human being. Our brains are not hardwired to live in the
moment, it is a conscious decision that we either chose to make or become slave
to our own limitations. The Power of Now and The Noticer both
provide unique perspective on how living in the moment can change your
perception and road to happiness.
Accepting Success
How many
people have made the following statements:
“things are going so well in my relationship right now; I am just
waiting for something to go wrong”. “I just got a promotion at work, I hope
they don’t realize I am not prepared for the job and fire me”. “My
life is finally going so good that I am worried about when it is going to end”. Why do we consistently challenge the
acceptance of our success? Gay
Hendricks labeled this phenomenon ‘upper limiting’. Four years ago I made myself a deal. If I live an inspired life, treat people with
respect, act with integrity and enjoy the moment, I will not put a limit on the
plethora of abundance that life can offer.
We were meant to be happy, live in abundance, and achieve limitless
personal growth; only we can limit our potential. As an exercise in Gay Hendricks’s book, I
wrote a personal statement, “I will expand my abundance, health, wealth,
knowledge, career and love, and will inspire others to do the same; I am
inspired, I live inspired, I will inspire”.
Inspiration can happen through words or through action, so I feel that
accepting success is an act of inspiration in itself. So as long as I feel that I am making the
most inspired decision in each moment, than I have accepted success and will
feel satisfied with my own accomplishments and not some expected ideal of what
others deem success to mean.
Living in Gratitude
“Gratitude is not
only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others” – Cicero
The act
of being grateful is one of the single most powerful acts that we can start
every day with. Every person on this
planet has something to be grateful for, being alive! As long as we are breathing we have a chance
to start anew, accomplish something great, inspire another life, and change the
world! Andy Andrews’s book, The Noticer, does a fantastic job of
illuminating perspective and gratitude in a series of character interactions in
which the marriage of the two ideals can change lives. In my personal life, I found that I have
evolved greatly since my journey started four years ago. I used to wake up every morning and ask for
things: “please let me close this deal
today”, “please let me get that promotion that I have worked so hard for”,
etc. What I found is that I was not
starting my day in gratitude; I was starting it in expectation. If those things did not happen, my day was
destined to be a letdown; if they did, there was something new to ask for the
next day. I changed my morning routine
to begin each day in gratitude. My
introspective conversation went from asking for things I don’t have, to being
grateful for things I do. This shift is
one of the single most important changes that I made to my life which
exponentially increased my happiness immediately.
Perception & Forgiveness
Happiness
is perception, right? Each moment brings
new experiences, challenges, gifts, tragedies, etc. No one person is immune from the preceding
list, so why are some people happy and others not? It would seem that perception is the reality
that we create for ourselves, so why can’t that reality be happiness. As I read these books, I realized that I
cannot control my circumstances; however, I do have ability to control my
reaction to those circumstances. If my
flight gets delayed, I can’t control that, but what I can control is how I
react to the flight being delayed. I
heard a man on a recent flight that was delayed say, “this is ridiculous; why
does this happen to me?” The reality is
the crew, passengers and air traffic control did not collude to ruin that man’s
flight experience, or his day. I personally
ended up meeting a really great person sitting next to me on the same flight who
was in a similar line of work and we shared some funny stories. We chose to be happy despite our
circumstances; a gift that was given through a ton of reading and perspective
by three highly evolved people: Gay Hendricks, Eckhart Tolle, and Andy
Andrews. So the reason why I include
perception and forgiveness together is that if we can chose to be happy in
spite of our circumstances, why can’t we chose to forgive? Tony Robbin’s said it best, “forgiveness is a
gift you give yourself”. If you are
consistently angry and holding grudges, you are living opposite of every one of
the principals outlined in this blog post.
When you are angry you are reflecting on a past event and not living in
the moment, setting expectations for an apology, not accepting a successful
outcome for yourself, obstructing gratitude with anger, and perceiving you are
right instead of happy. Is it worth
it? That is for you to decide, for me, I
would rather focus on the now and not what should have been.
Conclusion
I
originally started this blog to inspire young leaders to live a successfully
happy life. Happiness is a constantly
evolving journey, and a choice. People
can only steal your happiness if you let them, and life offers you happiness
every moment of the day if you allow yourself to feel it. I did not write this as a doctrine to
validate my principals or push an agenda; it is simply a reflection of ideas
that I have compiled based on the words of some much evolved authors and human
beings. Can you find happiness in just
three books? I don’t know if everyone
can, but if you are open minded, open to constructive criticism, and willing to
release the bonds that tie us down from being happy every day; these books are
a great start.
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